You Can’t Do, Eat Or Say That If You’re In Croatia

You’ve had a shower, you get dressed, and then you realize the time.  Damn it; you’re late. You grab your keys and head out the door, But wait…..who is watching you? You have wet hair, which means you can’t leave the house if you’re within 50 meters of your Croatian Aunt, Uncle, Mother, Father, Sister, Brother, neighbor – hell, you can’t leave the house with wet hair if your Croatian dog is watching.

Dammit, I said ‘hell’… I’ll pay for that one too. I better do the Rosary tonight. Don’t use any curses related to God, Jesus, or Mary unless you really need to. We did a guide to swearing like a Croatian part one &, even worse, swearing part two – you can go and read those later to catch up.

I guarantee that if you leave the house with wet hair, that Croatian relative, friend, acquaintance, or even a stranger who is walking the dog will intervene. Their wet hair detectors will go off, an alarm will sound, and they’ll rush over to you, begging (or barking) for you to return to the safety of the indoors before you get pneumonia and die a frozen death.

You can’t leave the house with wet hair. Why, may you ask? No, you can’t ask; you must just go back indoors and whip out that hairdryer.

The Wind Will Kill You

Now that you’ve got dry hair, you can meet your Croatian friends for lunch. Waaaaaaaaait. Wait just a second. Is that a bare neck, I see? Perhaps a T-shirt? No jacket, no scarf, no pullover? Back inside, you go. Don’t you know (according to Croatian culture) that a draft or propuh, as it’s known in Croatian, is deadly? Yes, it will kill you. The draft on your neck is just as ferocious as wet hair. Drafts cause infections, flu, and even muscle aches and pains (or so I am told).

My mother-in-law was very lax with this rule in Australia, which left me very unprepared for living in Croatia, where the irrational fear of wind is at epic proportions. Now, I figure that she must have relaxed her approach to pestering about the propuh because she came to her senses and now knows that having two windows open at the same time in the bus, car, or house creates a lovely fresh breeze, allowing one to breathe, and it’s not a death trap.

I live in Dalmatia, where there is a wind known as the Bura, a powerful north-easterly wind that is so strong that it will clear the sky of any clouds and uproots giant trees when it blows. So, on a day when the Bura blows, you must be dressed accordingly. Side note: You can read about how the Bura can also be blamed for you being all kinds of stuff.

According to my sources here in Croatia, the deadly propuh is likely to cause you all kinds of grief if that delicate part on the back of your neck is bare when there is just the slightest hint of a draft. In Summer, you’re (mostly) safe; in winter, not so much. I’d invest in a few scarves and leave them in the car, your house, and at work. Just. In.Case!

Hair dried, neck covered, you are now safe to leave to attend lunch.

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At Lunch, There Are A Few Cultural Things You Need To Remember…

Grace. Not the lady’s name. But the prayer before the meal. When dining with SOME Croatians (not all, so calm down your hate mail to me, you will need to wait for just a second to see if anyone will be saying a little pre-meal prayer.

With the majority of Croatians being Catholic, you should know it’s customary for some to say a prayer of thanks before the meal. So wait, just a little to be sure you’re not digging into those stuffed peppers too early.

Hair dried. You’re rugged up on a summer’s day, and the Prayer said. Now you’re free… Okay, I lied.

First, you need to know what to do when that giant pot of stuffed cabbages has been placed on the table. Listen closely. You should take one. I know you want three cabbage rolls, but if you take three, you’ll be forced to eat four – maybe even five.

Here is why.

Croatian hospitality requires the host to ensure that you are completely FULL and happy when having a meal at a friend or relative’s house. I don’t often write in CAPS in my blog posts. So when I do, you should heed the warning.

Never Say No

You’d be hard-pressed to find any Croatian family where there is no emphasis on family, friends, and food. Hospitality towards your guests is critical.

Offering drinks, pre-meal snacks, a meal, a second helping, even a third helping, cake, coffee, and then more drinks to your guests is necessary.

Then your responsibility in return is not to decline… ever. Saying no would be plain rude.  Here is what I suggest you do to avoid being rude (or, in some cases, being nagged).

Only Take A Small Portion

Take a small serving the first go, thus allowing plenty of wiggle room in your jeans for that second helping you will be required to consume. Failure to heed this warning will see you having to hear repeatedly how you are too skinny, you must be hungry, and so on. Your host may also use guilt to force you into a second helping. My favorite one (yes, I have become one of ‘them’) is “Oh, did you not like the food”? Boom! Host 1-guest 0.

If you have listened to this very sane advice, by this stage, you’ve only had one slice of fried eggplant and one cabbage roll – and now you’re about to make your host’s day. Of course, you are still hungry, so when your hosts asks you to take another serving – you eagerly oblige. Everybody wins.

The tricky part is the third serving; you may want one, but chances are you’ve already indulged in two plates of sauerkraut and yummy grilled fish, so when that time comes, you’ll need to be polite and say no thanks. If you want” to show off, you can use the phrase “ne mogu više, hvala,” which means you can’t take (eat) anymore. Word of warning: be sure not to overuse this phrase, as your hosts may come not to believe you.

Do Not Drink Water

Remember that grilled fish we spoke about? If you ate it, don’t, I repeat, do not drink a glass of water with your meal. Why? I do not know why. All I know is that you’ll risk your host slapping the water out of your hand and muttering something about being sick. After 15 years of being with my husband’s Croatian family, no one can tell me why I can’t drink water after eating fish – well, seafood of any kind, actually. So, now I don’t fight it and instead enjoy the homemade wine.

Update: I was explained that fish must swim in 3 liquids: first the sea, then in oil as you cook it… and finally wine. Mystery solved.

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Flip Flops, Jandals, Thongs, And All Open Toes Footwear Are Banned

A few days ago, I had a little rant on our Chasing the Donkey Facebook page about how it was so lovely that the warmer weather has returned, yet I was being nagged about how I was close to death by a flip-flop. The act of not wearing appropriate footwear at the slightest sign of cold(ish) weather can see you with an infection, a cough, a cold, and even pneumonia if you’re not careful. Ignore the sun, and always, always be wearing shoes and socks.

Proof

I am not making this up, and this is not just the crazy rules of my husband’s side of the family. No, no, no, this is very real. I was hoping you could take a peek at what some of my readers had to say in response to my Facebook rant. Click where it says ’18 comments’, and you’ll see some hilarious responses, like the one where you have to take off your perfectly dry bikini in the middle of summer.

Ladies first

Now, I’d like you to know that Croatians are very normal and deadly wind & gluttony aside.  They know that women come first. Here in Croatia, a man must always shake a lady’s hand first. As women, you’ll never be asked to lift something heavy or do any ‘man’s work.’ I like that. On the flip side, it also means you’ll never see a man doing the dishes.

Crazy winds and being forced to eat more food than I really need are just two of the reasons I heart Croatia!

Have you ever experienced any unusual ‘rules’ in a country you’ve visited or lived in? Are you Croatian? What other things did your Baka nag you about?